i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
