Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
