Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
