Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
