I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
