I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
please come you make the beer taste better
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
