She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
