if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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