I think i peed on brittanys purse
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
