Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
