I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
