i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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