No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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