That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
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Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.