her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
