life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Randomize
