jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
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threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
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I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?