Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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