Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I will be naked everywhere
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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