Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
