Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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