$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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