We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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