I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
