Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat