My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry