I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.