Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
