I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
