just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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