he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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