I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
