and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
