Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
