Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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