she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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