I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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