no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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