On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
