Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
