My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
