You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
