My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
