You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
