Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
