i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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