It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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