i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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