I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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