Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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