I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
