i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
