just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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