Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
