You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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