she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
