I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
