Cold hands, warm shart.
You can't motorboat a personality
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
