If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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