I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
