I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
